


Live With It!

by SBlackmane



Series: Midnight Madness [4]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Blackwall Spoilers, Dragon Age Prompt Generator, F/M, Mild Language, POV First Person, Revelations Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-28 20:47:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16249502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SBlackmane/pseuds/SBlackmane
Summary: Prompt: F!Lavellan & Blackwall "You didn't stop it from happening either."---Ellana learned the truth.She loved a lie.





	Live With It!

**Author's Note:**

> Ha! I broke the Cullen streak!

_You loved a lie_ , he'd said.

Everything I loved about the man was a lie, he wanted me to believe.

He'd confessed to his true identity, Thom Rainier, and admitted that he'd ordered his men to kill the Calliers. That he'd been paid blood money to off the family, but the worst of it was that his children had been massacred as well. I wept at that.

That horrible truth.

That the man I'd grown fond of, gotten so close to...the man to whom I gave heart, body, and spirit...was all a lie.

_You loved a lie, Ellana._

Oh but still I refused to believe it.

"How can you say that?!" I'd asked him, clutching the bars of his dank cell in the dungeon in Val Royeaux. "What we shared-"

"Wasn't real," he said, cutting me off, and I choked back tears. "I'm not the man you think I am."

No, indeed he wasn't.

Blackwall wasn't even his real name. But that of another Grey Warden. Creators, he wasn't even a Warden. He'd been a Captain in Orlais and while on the run from the authorities he'd met Blackwall, the real Blackwall, and was meant to join the Wardens, but he died before the ritual was complete. Blackw- _Rainier_ -assumed his identity.

My head ached, my limbs felt heavy, my heart even heavier, and I wanted to be angry with him. I wanted to hate him. Scream in his face. Spit on him, and throw him to the wolves. I wanted as much as he to believe it was a lie. Then maybe I wouldn't feel this way, but...I couldn't. I stood still, dipping my head to rest on the bar of the cell and sighed. No, it wasn't a lie. It couldn't be.

Because what I loved about the man was not the lie he told.

I didn't love him because he was a Warden.

I loved him because he respected the Wardens and their burden. I loved him because he felt honored to be counted among them. I loved him because he was willing to risk his life for the greater good.

I didn't love him because I thought he was Blackwall.

In fact, I didn't know a damned thing about Warden Blackwall. I didn't care about whatever trophies or badges he'd earned, or battles he fought.

I loved the fact that he'd shed his past and left it all behind him. I loved that he could've been anyone or anything. A soldier, a slave, a criminal, a drunk. But none of that mattered because it didn't define him as a Warden, nor did it define him as a man. He left that behind him like every Warden when they joined the order.

I didn't love him because I thought he could sense darkspawn, or because he was somehow connected to them.

I could care less about it, and the less I _heard_ about it, the better I slept.

Fenadhis, I didn't even know Wardens could do that until Hawke's contact mentioned it! Their rites and rituals have always been so secretive. It was news to me.

I didn't love him because I thought his hands clean, or his conscience free of guilt.

I loved him because he carved wooden toys for the children of the pilgrims at Skyhold.

Because he'd get off his arse and chop his own firewood instead of wallow and complain about the cold.

I loved that he never disrespected my beliefs, even though I'm Dalish. He didn't care if I believed I was the Herald of Andraste or not. He didn't follow me because he thought me a holy symbol. He followed me because snow or storm, rain or shine, I went out there and fought demons and closed rifts. Because I wanted to use this gift to help people, not wreak havoc on the world. And he was right there with me, come what may.

I loved that he risked his life for me. He proved he was willing to die for me.

Varric called him Hero.

Not because he was some sort of champion of the just, but because he wanted to do the right thing.

Even if it caused him pain.

Like finally taking the stand and confessing his crimes, because he realized that actually doing the right thing meant more than just pretending.

Even if it meant losing me.

And dammit, that made him a Hero to me.

I loved him for that.

I may not forgive him for what he did, but how dare he tell me I loved a lie.

And that anger finally surfaced. But not for the reason he expected.

"You bastard," I spat slamming against the bars, making him jump. Sometimes, my anger still surprised him. He'd always say he didn't understand how such a tiny woman could pack so much of a punch. "You tell me it isn't real?! Well then tell me the truth! I dare you! I dare you to tell me you don't love me! Because I know you do! You tell me anything different and I'll tell you you're full of shit! You know good and damned well that that's a crock of shit, you blighted heap!!"

He was silent, staring at me.

He didn't want to lie anymore. But he didn't want to fess up to it either. He didn't want to say those words. "Ellana," he finally sighed, but still the words wouldn't come.

I sucked in a breath.

"Thom," I said, forcing myself to say his real name. Because I was certain the man I loved was never who he pretended to be. But it was the man underneath, trying to atone for his sins, the man I'd just been introduced to. Thom Rainier. "I love you. Not for what I thought you were, but for who you are."

"Stop," he said, squeezing his eyes shut, not wanting to hear it. "I'm a murderer, my lady. I'm not that noble man, I'm-"

"Horseshit! I don't give a damn if your noble or not! You think my conscience is so clear? Is anyone's conscience that clear? You think you're the only one in the world with blood on your hands? Don't be so self absorbed! Creators, you're just as bad as Dorian!"

"Ellana!" he snapped, rising to his feet. "Stop! Stop doing this to me! To yourself! Just let me go! Dammit just let me die!"

My breath hitched.

The tears I'd been fighting finally fell.

"No," I argued. He got up to approach me. He was halfway between rage at my stubbornness, and frustration, because he hated seeing me cry like this. "I've already lost too much. I can't lose you too."

He sighed, and reached up to touch my cheek, wiping my tears with his thumb.

"You shouldn't have come," he said. "I never should've...you should've stopped me sooner, Ellana. You should've stopped me before I ever fell in love with you."

"So you do love me."

"You shouldn't have let me. You should've ended this-"

"You didn't stop it from happening either," I reminded him.

"Please let me go," he begged, but I shook my head.

Then I backed away from the cell.

"No. No, I won't!"

"Ellana-"

"No, fuck you!" I spat. "You want punishment? Fine! I'll give you punishment! I'm getting you out of here!"

I turned to stomp away, in search of my advisers upstairs waiting for me. Josephine would know what to do about this. She could work her charms on some of her contacts.

"What?!" I heard him exclaim and I turned back.

I sneered at him. "Death is too easy, ma'lath. Where's the suffering in that? Sounds more like freedom to me. And I don't think the world is done with you yet. Neither am I! You're going to _live_ for what you did!"

I ran from the dungeon before he could protest.

Oh yes. Death was not the punishment he deserved for all he'd done.

He said I loved a lie.

Maybe he was right, maybe it was all a lie.

But now I'd make him live with that lie.

I'd make him _work_ to make things right.

"And boy do you have your work cut out for you," I mumbled.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was kind of my initial reaction to Blackwall's secret, how Ellana feels is how I felt.
> 
> Also that would totally be me, yelling, "Death?! Ha! Too easy! Fuck you! You're gonna _live_ for this!!"
> 
> Does this count as a self-insert? XD


End file.
